The problem is that I'm one of those few people who truly love what they do. I do. It's an amazing job, I work with amazing people, and I actually can make a difference in people's lives. That means something to me.
Sure... there are times when it is thankless. There are times when I'm super stressed (TAX SEASON!) There are times when I go home wishing I could stay home forever. Every job has that. But, I still love it. I suppose I'd have to after 15 years, otherwise, I would have left... right?
As I look at the options before me, however, I often feel black listed. I feel like there must be some characteristic about me that is undesirable. I'm not generally a pessimistic person. I'm more of a realist. Realistically speaking, there has to be a reason why I always hear, "You were so close but XXX just edged you out by the smallest margin." Really? Why am I always on the cusp then ultimately lose out.
Over the years I came up with a few excuses. I'm a woman. I'm fat. I'm not very pretty. I refuse to kiss someone's butt. I refuse to sacrifice my morals or my personality. I'm too honest. I'm too open.
I wish I could blog here and say that I finally figured it out... but I can't. I still don't know. The last time I tried for a position, the hiring manager said that the job was full of negative behaviors and that she was afraid that it would tarnish my character and harm my personality.
Here I sit on the potential cusp of potentially something new and I find myself with mixed emotions. Why would I want to leave a job I love? What if I hate the new one? Do I even WANT the new one or am I being clouded by $$$?
I have so much going through my head. The song that comes to mind today is Santa Fe, from Newsies. I have such fond memories of this musical from my childhood. I fell in love with Christian Bale when he played the role of Jack. The song, Santa Fe, sung by Christian Bale, became a sort of theme song of mine. Santa Fe was Jack's dream. He wanted to go out west and live on a ranch where life would be decidedly easier for a rough neck kid living on the streets of New York, making a living off of selling newspapers.
Santa Fe, to me, represents a dream, no matter how far fetched. My favorite lyrics:
When I dream, on my own, I'm alone but I ain't lonely.
For a dreamer night's the only time of day.
When the city's finally sleeping and my thoughts begin to stray,
then I'm on that train that's bound for Santa Fe.
And I'm FREE like the wind, like I'm gonna live forever.
It's a feeling time can never take away!
All I need's a few more dollars, then I'm outta here to stay...
Dreams come true, yes they do, in Santa Fe.
The same concept of Santa Fe representing a dream to get out of a bad situation and into a good one is repeated in the musical RENT. They sit on the subway dreaming of what it would be like to open a restaurant in Santa Fe:
In both movies, the characters realize that the dream isn't all it's cracked up to be without your family of friends and loved ones with you. Santa Fe stays in the dream world and reality brings them all back.
What is your Santa Fe? Are trying to get there or is it just a fantasy, a dream, a hope?
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